Trinity4us

Idols

2008-11-14T16:48:00.003-06:00

I've been feeling restless lately, just short of general anxiety, and I haven't been really able to pinpoint where these feelings were coming from. Well that's true on one level, the superficial level, but scratch the surface, and I have always known. For me, I've learned the periods of restlessness, emptiness, or loneliness have two significant meanings in my life. First, these feelings are an invitation from God to reconnect, to be named again, to re-remember who I am in God. Second, it's an invitation to re-examine my daily behavior and find "Idols" that I have chosen in place of living in the NOW, the present moment, the place where God Is. Lately, my idol has been constantly turning on the radio and listening to NPR. Not that there's anything wrong with NPR, but when that or anything becomes a "fill" to avoid the present moment and what seems like the drudgery of daily life, it becomes an idol. I have not turned on NPR in two days, neither in the car nor at home, and I have discovered that I do not miss the daily news, the talk shows, the bad news of the economy. Not that informing oneself is bad, for it is essential. But when I am not free to not listen to the radio (or anything else) then I am not available to the present and I am missing the silent whispers of God. What have I discovered since turning the radio off the radio? What I have known before, have forgotten, have remembered, and will undoubtedly forget again... that there is a sweetness of living in the stillness of the NOW where ordinary tasks of the day become a means to discover God, who I am, and a joy that is abundant. Are there "Idols" in your life?

Doin' Fine in Irvine

2008-11-10T09:53:00.002-06:00

Well it's actually Irving, but I wanted the title to rhyme... what a nerd, I know. The Bear and I are in a pretty good routine right now. What I am really excited that is that since I spend a lot of time with him, he's really catching on to the Spanish and understanding a lot. He does the same in English and although he's not saying a lot yet, he does say one very funny thing: "Help Me!!" The only TV we let the Bear watch is "Go Diego Go" and he loves it. We put it on the Spanish setting which is actually created to help Spanish speaking children learn English. They intersperse a few English words each episode, but it is very heavily accented because they must have chosen Latino actors who don't speak English. Instead of "Help Me!" It sounds like, "Epp Mi." So about three weeks ago, I was changing his diaper and he was pretty fussy. He started crying out, "Epp Mi!! Ehop Mi!!"

Second Day Concerns

2008-10-02T09:00:00.003-05:00

Today is the second day for Wife at her new job. She is working as an attending at a Dallas-area hospital. Yesterday she was shown around and got measured for her medical coat. She'll be in charge of a couple of residents and apparently will be taking over the director's rounds. In fact, she just learned that the boards that she just took was written by her director. Wife was able to say to her directly, "It was really hard!" The director replied, "Good, they were supposed to be." The highest score in the country on the boards only scored a 72!

It's also my second day on the job.... taking care of the Bear. Yesterday we dropped Wife at work and then went to the Dallas Arboretum. Very beautiful. It was pretty cool just hanging out with the Bear. I must admit that I feel very daunted by the task of caring for him full time. I have so much more respect for homemakers (now that I am one) because it is very difficult. I know things will get easier when I get into a routine. But right now I feel that I am not talking to him enough, or playing with enough, or whatever. Plus he has his physical therapy issues which are always present. Wife is very supportive of me which I appreciate. I feel like I need to learn more Spanish for his sake.

In Texas

2008-09-30T07:48:00.002-05:00

After two months of no posting, I hope to be more consistent. In August, Wife spent time everyday studying for her specialty Boards (physiatry) and we found out yesterday that she passed. I wrapped up things at Catholic Charities and it was difficult to say goodbye. I am grateful for the experience and the relationships that I had there.

The Bear, two cats, and two adults drove across country from Chicago to Dallas in two days. The Bear did wonderfully and did not cry at all, only pouted a few times when he was bored. The cats slept on our laps the whole way. We're now in our own apartment in Las Colinas which is 10 miles from Wife's work, 45 minutes from my parents and brother. We got the Bear enrolled in early intervention here too to help with his rehab. The biggest challenge is to constantly redirect him from the "butt scoot boogie" which is a cute but unhelpful way that many low muscle tone babies use to get around.

I will write tomorrow more about our new life here. It's good to be home but I really miss Chicago and our friends there.

33 and a New Start

2008-07-31T20:45:00.001-05:00

Today we learned that I don't have melanoma but rather an abnormal mole. It's being sent off for chromosomal studies to see if it was beginning to be cancerous. Just to be on the safe side, the doctors want to cut more out of my shoulder around the area of the excision. I feel that I have been given a new lease on life. And after we found out that our fears were not confirmed, my wife confided in me that if it had been melanoma, because of the rarity of the size and texture of the mole, it would have been fatal. I would have been dead within six months to a year. She had been living with this fact since Monday. My feelings right now are so overwhelming. I am grateful, relieved, still anxious...yet I see a new side of life that only scares like this can bring. I want to rededicate my life to God and you, my brothers and sisters. I don't know in what form this will take place, I am open. I further rededicate myself to being the best husband and father I can be. Thank you God for this gift tonight....This gift of life.

Catching Up

2008-06-02T11:04:00.001-05:00

This weekend was wonderful in many ways. First, the weather was glorious. I've never been in a city where you can actually feel the overall city-wide mood just raise up because of better weather. This winter and spring have been some of the worst on record for Chicago. Second, some friends from my undergraduate college, UNT, came to town. Although 10 years have passed since I've hung out with them, it was indeed fun to pick up where we left. Plus, there were two new additions and one on the way. I'll send picts of the "reunion" when I get them.

Way Over Due!

2008-05-19T19:39:00.005-05:00

Everyone's doing great! Wife got a job at UT Southwestern hospital and will start in Sept or Oct. We'll probably live in Las Colinas or Irving, renting for the first year and then maybe buying. Last Saturday, we bought a new car! We traded in the Jeep and bought a Prius hybrid which gets 48 miles per gallon in the city....which is key since gas here is $4.50/g and expected to go up to over $5 by the end of the summer. Also, the car has very low emissions so the environmental impact is not so bad. As we get older, esp now with a child, we're more and more concious of the environment and way small role we can play in decreasing our consumption and pollution output. The car was a little more expensive than we had planned but after 3 years or less, it'll pay for itself with the savings in gas.

Lastly, Papito or from this point, aka "The Bear," had his first swimming experience yesterday. A bunch of Wife's co-workers who also have babies, got together to have baby swimming lessons. The Bear did not cry but it seemed he didn't know quite what to do with it all. It was fun and he did well over all. Here are some pictures.

Back from Texas

2008-04-22T16:46:00.004-05:00

Wife, Papito, and I went to Texas for a quick 3 day trip for Wife's interview and my 33rd birthday. It was a wonderful time and we got to introduce Papito to his cousins. Wife's interview was very successful and was offered a job at UT Southwestern in Dallas. She'll have to see what Baylor Hospital now says and then we'll make a decision about where she'll end up. On Saturday, my best friends hosted a party at their house in Hastlet and people from both sides of my family came to celebrate. It was a lot of fun.... guitars, drums, beer, pool, swimming, and food. Check out the picts!

Spring Fever

2008-04-08T13:15:00.002-05:00

Well, poor lil' Papito did end up getting sick. Yesterday, Wife picked him up from the babysitter's house and he was pretty hot. A rectal temperature reading showed he had a fever just under 101. He remained in Wife's arms for the rest of the day but he was still smiling and responsive. We called the pediatrician to let them know and they just said to monitor it. Poor little guy. This morning, thank God, he did show a fever and although he was a little fussy, seemed back to normal. We'll see...

Just the Boys

2008-03-31T11:42:00.005-05:00

Wife is flying out today for a job interview at Baylor Hospital in the DFW area. She'll be there overnight so Papito and me will be hanging out. Thankfully, my fever is gone but still have residual effects of flu. Wife is complaining of a scratchy throat and feeling achy, just in time for her interview. She's picking up some hospital "surgery" masks so I can interact with Papito without having to breathe on him. Pray for Wife that she can get through the interview okay and that Papito does not get sick, that's the biggest issue. Otherwise, things are just fine. It's opening day in Cubs land with most of the area bars opening at 6 am!! Can you imagine? The picture above is my current favorite. Look at the desperation as he's about to eat mushy carrots for the second time.

Not passing it on

2008-03-28T19:16:00.002-05:00

So I've been sick with a fever, cough, runny nose, etc since Tuesday. I haven't hugged Papito or anything and it's been really hard!! I am really grateful for Wife's hard work because she's taken on all of his caretaking and taking care of me. But now she's starting to feel bad....

So I don't know how we're going to juggle this one. If she starts to go down, I'll have to scrub up like going into surgery so I can handle Papito and decrease the him getting sick with what might be the flu. Wish us luck!

Good Friday, 2008

2008-03-21T09:07:00.003-05:00

Right now outside my Chicago window, it is snowing outside when it "should" be warm and sunny this time of the year. I am not working today, Catholic Charities has the day off, and so I "should" be cleaning. I "should have been" more strict on myself during Lent, perhaps. I am profoundly mindful today of my failings and shortcomings today. Have I grown any during Lent this year? I don't know...I realize that there are a lot of "shoulds" in my life and in the world at large. There "should" be a better economy. There "should not" be war in Iraq. There "should" be better recycling in Chicago (and I "should" do a better job a recycling). I feel this tension between where I am and where I want to be, the "should." But that's not where God is. God is located in the here and now embracing me where I am and lovingly inviting me to become more and more who I really am. It's precicely in the struggle of the "shoulds", the tension of the now, when my soul is torn open to receive the mercy of God. Señor, ayúdame ser quien realmente soy. Dame la sabiduría y el poder de vivir en el momento presente, en el ahoríta. Dame la forteleza hacer lo que debo y la sabiduría a dejar las cosas cuando debo. Amen.

What do you think?

2008-03-17T19:24:00.008-05:00

So, I have been thinking that Papito does not look like me. But people often say that he's looking more like me all of the time. I've posted a picture of me when I was 6 months, which is his current age. What do you think?

On other news, his rehabilitation is going pretty well. He can sit up by himself without support for about 10 to 15 seconds, stand with just holding his hands, and he's got one really big tooth with a couple of buds cropping up. He still has trouble with tummy time and learning how to put weight on his arms. He holds up his head just fine but his arms go sprawling after a few minutes like he's surfing on a wave. He still is so smiley and fun to be around. He rarely cries and it's usually connected to being on his tummy. I am still only speaking to him in Spanish but I'm not sure that he's getting enough exposure. So everyday, I put on the same Latin music everyday so he can get used it. A friend from Chicago is from Columbia and gave me some Spanish children CDs. He'll be going from crawling to walking to dancing merengue soon. About the pictures: Top is me at 6 months; Papito is on his tummy next; Papito's first swing ride, he loved it! Wife studying for a riveting test called Texas Medical Jurisprudence and Papito providing support; Wife and Papito enjoying some time together...

Become the Change You Want to See

2008-02-23T19:02:00.008-06:00

The title is a mantra that keeps coming to me recently. I don't know exactly why. Well, I guess I hope I know. For Lent this year, I didn't given up anything very specific but I'm trying to make some positive changes in my life. More than anything, though, I've been praying that God give me a new direction, a new way of viewing things... a way that makes me more full of peace and in turn, act more peaceful towards others. As if a mist is slowly dissipating around me and my vision becoming clearer, I see how regularly I find fault with the way others act or with how systems, of which I am a part, operate. Things that come to my head might be, "Well, I would not have done it that way..." "I am so bored in this weekly meeting, no one wants to be here..." "Why can't she be cleaner..." "We Americans are ruining so much of the environment..." And many more examples, there are. So, the mantra, "Become the change you want to see," I believe is the answer to my Lenten prayer. If I want a meeting to be productive, I need to look at my own lack of participation. If I dislike the pollution issue, then I ask myself, how well am I recycling? If I am unhappy of how my environment looks or feels, I must look no further than myself to try to change it or at least change the perspective towards it in positive ways. Positive energy is contagious, life giving, and a force for motivation!

About the pictures: I do like to include pictures with my topic, if possible. The first one is of a dove (symbol of peace) enveloping the world. As a side note, my son's name is means "dove" in Hebrew. The second is an invitation to view waging war, instead lets be proponents for peace; the third is that of Gandhi, one of my heroes who embodied the title: he became what he wanted to see.

Kindred Spirit (Hope for Papito)

2008-02-15T11:10:00.006-06:00

Most of you don't know that growing up, I wanted to have a tail. Yes, my secret desire in my youth... it just wasn't fair that evolution saw fit to do away with the tail for humans. To deal with my angst, my mom lovingly sewed a sheet over a piece of rope and attached it to my belt. While not a real tail, it was one of the greatest gifts ever and I used it to help me haul up firewood from the barn and also to show my cat that he wasn't the only Scott with a tail. Well, I share this with you because today, I got an email from my best friend who was at a donut shop. Of course he knows my childhood want for a caudal appendage and for years he and my entire family have made fun of me. Well, he saw this young boy who is one of my kind (imagine INXS's "You're One of My Kind" playing in the background) and was kind enough to share it with me. I feel validated, people.

Why is this hope for Papito. As of right now, he retains 95% of the physical traits of his mother. Save for his facial markings (which are from me), everything else is of her. While Wife "has" his outsides, I hope to dominate the insides.... his personality. Therefore, Papito, when you are older, I hope that you will desire to belong to a very elite group of humans. Here is what they look like...

A Moment of Gratefulness

2008-02-06T12:04:00.000-06:00

One of the things I'm doing for Lent this year is to frame everything that happens to me or what I do during the day in terms of gratefulness. Viewed from a position of being thankful, struggles offer both a challege in the moment and an opportunity to grow and learn. With that being said, I'm not struggling right at this moment, but I can say that I'm grateful for being inside this coffee shop right now. I'm sitting by the window and have an expansive view of the rain, sleet, snow, and 40 mile wind coming down. It's pretty yucky. But I feel joy as I have my coffee, am warm, and can work "from home" today. At least the crappy weather here is not as bad as what happened in a Switzerland town in the picture, geez (or "freeze").

Teeth!!

2008-01-29T12:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when my son bawls, I just look at him from the perspective of an observer. While holding him, in a detached manner, I ask myself, "How can a little living being like this cause so much noise?" In any case, I was in one of the observing moods, not knowing why he was crying, and not really caring too much because his hierarchy of needs were all met. That's when I noticed two little white things coming through his lower gum. Surely not, I thought, he's only four and half months. But there was no mistaking them. As it happened, there was a doctor's appointment scheduled the next day for him related to something else. When Wife told the pediatrician the teeth news, she said that if that's true, then it would be the first time she had seen a baby this young get teeth. She said, "Sure enough, there they are." In any case, the above pictures are recent ones from a visit by his grandma (Wife's mother).

Friggin' Cold!!

2008-01-19T20:13:00.000-06:00

Papito is just 4. 5 months old and has already experienced colder weather than I did for almost all of my life (one night it was colder when I lived in Boston than it is right now in Chicago). The high today was 3 degrees and the wind chill tonight is going to be around -40. The weather people said that if you go out with exposed skin for 5 to 10 minutes, you'll get frostbite. Ouch! It's warm inside our apartment, thank God. The big development news for Papito is that last week, he found his toes. Yep, they've entered the realm of the conscious. I was changing his diaper and so had his legs hiked up. Then I let them down but they didn't go down, he was hanging on as if to say, "Wow, look at these!" Wife's mom came today for a visit. She loves being a grandma and is good at it already. The picture was taken a month ago with his Aunt Kristi.

Rehab and Rituals

2008-01-07T11:25:00.000-06:00

Papito is doing very well, thank God. He was approved last month for a rehab subsidy by the State of IL whereby all of his rehabilitation (which runs at $300/session) will be paid for. The PT thinks he is doing well and is catching up, as it were. Last night, he turned over for the first time. We were excited but it scared him badly. Normally he hates tummy time, but he's been getting up on his elbows now and last night he just pushed himself right over onto his back. As far as daily rituals goes, when I get home from work, I usually work out and do some superficial cleaning. Then bathe him, shower, and get him onto our bed and read to him in Spanish. We have quite a good collection of books now and some are duplicates in English and Spanish (Goodnight Moon and Buenas Noches Luna). More playtime on the bed and then he's ready for his 10pm feeding and sleep. We've been really lucky in that he began sleeping all night about a month and half ago. Anyways, here are some recent pictures. The second one is the picture we used for the Christmas cards.

Christmas, 2007

2007-12-31T10:52:00.000-06:00

Here are some picts from Christmas. We went to Wife's family's house near DC. It was a great visit and her family really had some good Papito time. It's great when there's a lot of females around at a party or vacation because then I can catch up on my reading and sleeping :) It was a real joy to have Papito this Christmas and even though he does not realize it, he made out like a bandit! Highlights were 1) Christmas Mass on Saturday and showing Papito baby Jesus in the manager after Mass; 2) eating junk food; 3) taking daily walks in the 50 degree weather; 4) eating very tender lamb at a Middle Eastern restaurant on Christmas Eve; 5) and hanging out with Wife's family, who is very cool.

Rehab Update

2007-12-20T08:52:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've written. More than a month ago, we became concerned that Papito was getting a flat head. When we place him on his back, he'd look to the right. On his stomach, he'd only look to the left so only one side was getting slept on. We took him to the pediatrician who referred us to the children's rehab clinic at a local children's hospital. The first meeting was not encouraging because he seemed to not respond to stimuli on one side of his body. He was also slouching too much for his age (how do you tell that from a 2 month old??) We were given some exercises to do and we kept going to the rehab. Yesterday, he was evaluated by a specialist who was responsible for scoring his physical developmental progress. We were actually hoping that he would score 30% delayed (compared to the norm for 3.5 months) so that an Illinois state fund would kick in and pay for the $300/session visits. All good news...he is doing well enough that he scored better than 30% delayed AND the specialist, using her clinical judgment, signed off on the fund anyway. Papito will now be able to get as much tx as he needs. Why is he behind? We don't know... some babies take longer to touch their toes, hold up their head for longer periods of time, etc. There's no indication right now that he's mentally delayed, which is great news...he's just a little floppy. In any case, the physical therapist said that he needs to do a lot (A LOT) of tummy time, which he hates. In fact, as I write this, he's crying his head off and acting like I'm torturing him. He'll moan in quite resignation and quiet down and then...pow! he's off struggling to get up. I feel a sadistic humor in watching him kick his legs and wail his arms around... should I feel guilty? Naw, it's my morning entertainment :)

Cutie Pa Tutie

2007-12-05T14:45:00.000-06:00

The picture of me holding Papito is us doing his excercises and stretches to build his core muscles.

Who Is This Child?

2007-12-04T16:39:00.000-06:00

The director young adult ministry in Chicago through out this reflection: to give an answer to the question "Who Is This Child?" The following is what I sent him. I'm going to post future theology stuff on my Mindful Theology blog site (www.mindfultheology.blogspot.com). Have a blessed Advent.

Who Is This Child?

Another question that is connected to this one is “Why did he come at that time, at that place?” When viewed from the story of human evolution, Jesus came at the perfect time because he represents the fulfillment of one phase and the beginning of another. The human story began a few million years ago and by the time Jesus came to earth, are bodies and brains had reached their full potential and we had some pretty good experience already with living in civilizations. While living in civilizations lumped people together in some form of unity, real “oneness” was not evident. Class systems developed and a few privileged people, mostly men, lorded over their subjects. While our technologies have evolved, we seem to still be stuck in power systems where people are being oppressed. We even oppress ourselves by being deeply frustrated by who we think we are and who we want to be.

However, the next phase of evolution is on the horizon but it began with Jesus, 2000 years ago. This phase will not be characterized by physical domination, Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest, or building up and hording of resources to ensure physical survival. Instead, the next phase is a spiritual phase where people “awaken” to who they already (truly) are. It is a global movement of humans reconnecting to the earth and to each other where artificial barriers such as nation states, racial segregation, gender gaps, economic disparities, and even our own self-imposed limitations implode. Jesus teachings consistently challenged the power structures that oppressed people while inviting the oppressed to live more fully and freely. On a smaller scale, he challenged individuals to live with such freedom that their culturally enforced and self-imposed stereotypes (“false selves”) were no longer necessary. Never before in our human story did teachings come forth that were as radical, challenging, exciting, and life-giving. His own Jewish heritage could not have prepared him to live with such freedom as it was itself steeped in patriarchal ideology that allowed a few powerful men to control the rest. It seems that only through his total connection to Being, to God, could he speak with such a freshness, free from the mindset of his time, that his message remains universally applicable regardless of any historical or cultural context. In other words, this new phase of human evolution is a spiritual realization of the prayer that he prayed in John’s Gospel, “May they be one” (Jn 17:21). And Jesus’ teaching is the blueprint of how to do just that.

Jesus coming to earth also affirmed that God loves the human body, that creation is good (so we better take care of it), and that all of the life-cycles that enervate the universe such as birth, death, sexuality, love, and forbearance are the manifestations of God’s self. Because he came as a baby to a family, we are affirmed in our desires to parent, to marry, to bring forth life…and to be vulnerable. During the time he grew into his Personhood, his needs were met by his family and friends. It is a reminder that it is okay to have needs and to receive help from people.

In sum, God’s coming to the world as Jesus is the Great Morning that marked the end or fulfillment of our bodily growth while we slept and the beginning of a new dawn of wakefulness, of oneness, and of authentic self-love.

Recent Pictures

2007-11-27T11:59:00.000-06:00

My Favorite Part of the Day

2007-11-20T09:22:00.000-06:00

As of right now, I actually have two favorite parts of the day. The first is in the morning when I go into Papito's room and say good morning. Usually he's already away and cooing. I yell from the door, "Buenos Dias!!!" and then he starts smiling from ear to ear with his legs and arms swaying from excitement. If he's asleep, the wake him up, he stretches, opens his eyes, and starts smiling. I pick up him and put him on the changing table and of course, he's smiling the whole time. It's as if he's saying, "it's great to be here, and I love you!" Pretty cool. My second favorite time of the day is at night when I bathe him. Bathing is our special time together. He loves the water! I wash his hair right in the sink and he closes his eyes in contentment. Then I put him in his tub (also in the sink) and he starts sucking his right thumb and smiling. I sing in Spanish all of the body parts I'm washing (different tune every night :) and then dry him off. I know it's all very simple, but it's the simple things in life that mean the most. Papito is re-teaching me this.

The Journey

2007-11-12T20:41:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to write right now and I know that it has been a while since I wrote. I've been so touched by so many things that have happened recently. The week after the last posting, Papito was baptized. His family, including his Godparents, were there to be physically and spiritually present as a witness to his coming into the Church. Also, we pledged by our being present, to be an integral part of his life journey...of how he participates in and with God's love. Both sets of his grandparents were there as was Wife's sister. My brother and sister-in-law became Godparents to Papito. How do you capture in words the little miracles of the present moment that pass and leave wonderment in their stead? Every day offers a new opportunity to share in laughter at Papito's facial expressions or movements or new things he has learned. Every day allows me and Wife to learn how to relate to him and to each other in renewed ways...in ways that are grounded in relationality to one another. He is my son which means I am his father and the bond between us is a new living entity that did not exist before he became my son and me his father. I see my job as a father to make sure that this living entity, our relationship, is healthy, balanced, and kinetic. My prayer is that the magic of his life be in the journey, in the new present moments, and not in the expectations that are placed upon him by his parents, or even by himself. That he grows into who he already IS and that I minimize my own projected ego-needs in that process is my pledge.

Weekend Fun

2007-10-29T16:05:00.000-05:00

This was a very fun weekend. Best friends (husband and wife) came to visit and meet Papito. They are the first people that are not related by blood that our son will know as "aunt and uncle." Papito actually went to two restaurants this weekend and he did great. No crying, just slept through the drone of the crowd. It's still hard to believe that he is mine when I look at him. "Uncle" commented that he actually looks like me, which makes me feel very good. I was thinking there for a while that the only thing I gave my son were my facial birthmarks and my last name. Hmm, something make sme think that I've written that here before. Did I already write this before? I don't remember. I didn't sleep a lot this weekend and when I did, let's just say that it was induced and sustained by toxic liquids of the ethanol nature. I'm feeling a little blue because the visit with our friends was so short, and I have to go back to the daily grind. Luckily, I get to go home to a wonderful wife and a squirmy lil' fart--my squirmy lil' smilin' fart blossom.

Our nightly ritual

2007-10-22T22:48:00.000-05:00

No, get your mind out of the gutter! Just kidding. During work, I find myself excited about coming home and seeing my family. It's a pretty cool feeling. Once home, I cook or Wife cooks, depending on how she feels, and then I jump on the elliptical for an hour. If Papito is really fussy, then I put him in the car seat, strap on my tennis, and climb up and down four flights of stairs while switching carrying hands. I can only handle 30 minutes of that, and I feel a whole lot more tired and worked out than an hour on the elliptical. For curls, yep, I use the now 13 lb living, moving "weight" in the car seat. Wife is feeling better and went to rehabilitation today for her stomach muscles. She is able to get out of bed without assistance and they came and got the hospital bed on Friday. The exciting news right now is that Wife apparently made a good impression on a lengthy phone interview for a Texas Spine and Sports clinic last week. They called her today and asked if she could come for an interview on November 6th!! Trust in God is important here because the timing will be such that she might get an offer to join the practice before having seen what else is out there. She'll hopefully have a better feel of things after the personal interview. Oh, back to our nightly ritual. After showering, I hang out with Papito while Wife pumps, showers, and generally putzes around. She finally goes to bed and I feed and bathe the lil' dude. He seems to like baths and closes his eyes in apparent bliss when I wash his hair. Once clean, fed, and content, he usually drops a big one for good measure. After the last clean up, it's rocking time. If he goes down by 12:30 am, it's a good night. If not, Wife is nudged up...and nudged...and nudged. Ah... the joy of being with Papito and then the joy of passing him off... :)

Social Smile?

2007-10-16T11:46:00.000-05:00

I was pretty excited this morning because I thought I saw Papito smiling at me. He was in the crib and restless. I went over and peered at him from above. He smiled really big and I thought, this is it! However, right after my elation hit the roof, he revealed through a small explosion that he's still too young for his smile to be disconnected from his bowels. Oh well :)

In Touch with Being

2007-10-11T10:14:00.000-05:00

I was listening once again to a The Power of Now, by Eckart Tolle, and was reminded again that babies are total in touch with Being itself. My son's facial movements, cries of hunger or affection, kicking of the legs, and peaceful sleep are all expressions of his state of not be aware of self...of pure stimulus and response. In other words, he is totally connected with the Essence behind all of us and has no choice but to live completely in the present moment. I think that this is one of the reasons that people are so drawn to babies. We instinctively know that they are connected and we long to return to the innocence that was ours before the age of reason, before our minds created an identity for ourselves.

Late Night Walking

2007-10-04T18:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks Nicole for your good advice. I agree that babies pick up the energy of the parents. It's hard to be positive when so tired, but trying to find the sacredness of the moment helps me some. Also, finding something funny each time I'm with him is something I'm trying to do....to see the humor in raising a baby. For example, I love it when he sneezes, both of his arms shoot up like he's going downhill on a rollercoaster. That makes me laugh a lot. The past few nights have brought me out of the house for an hour while Wife sleeps or showers. It's kinda our time and the weather here in Chi-town is not cold yet. I try to talk to him about the things that I see as we walk. Sometimes I'll pray the Rosary in Spanish outloud. It brings a nice rythym and is a nice meditation while trying to be present.

Raising a baby is not for sissies

2007-10-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

Things are going pretty well overall. Wife is starting to feel a little better and the MRI that she had last week revealed that her swelling has gone down. The hospital bed that we have in our kitchen is really helpful!! She can get in and out of bed with out re-injuring herself each time. Papito is growing so fast that he appears to be changing daily. I heard somewhere that if people grew as fast as they grow the first few months, they would be the sizes of houses at adulthood! I believe that. In any case, I am really tired right now. At night, Wife takes care of Papito until about 7:00 am when I take over for an hour before leaving for work. While this may sound good because I can sleep at night, it hasn't worked out that way. First, I go to bed now pretty late, after his 11:00 pm feeding. Secondly, while trying to sleep, I often lay in bed worrying about Wife having to be up and not sleeping. Yesterday, I worked until 8:00 pm and rode my bike about 35 miles to see clients. I was very tired and when I got home, made dinner, and then took over for Wife while she showered, and napped. Papito did not want to go down and he was fussy so I took him outside and walked around for a hour. Sleeping on my shoulder, I returned to the apartment and he began to cry again. He cried and fussed and fussed and cried and I started to feel insecure about my parenthood. Wife, not able to nap, arose and said that I had nothing to worry about, that's how babies are. Reassured, I went to bed and didn't sleep very well until the morning when I relieved Wife. Friends at work say that a pattern is needed and this will help things get better. We haven't figured this out yet. Any suggestions?

Just the Three of US

2007-09-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

Wife's mom left today and no it's just her, Papito, and me. Wife is concerned and a little scared to see if we can make it on our own. I feel apprehensive too, but millions of people do it all the time and survive. I feel that my job right now is to be confident for her and Papito, to relieve her when she needs to sleep so she can see that two people can do this. Most of my clients are single female families anyways, and they somehow do it, with a lot more adversity than us. More than anything, I feel God is very present right now, in every breath of Papito, and in the space between us.

Starting to Sink In

2007-09-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, So I have a kid. Another human that my wife and I created...someone who did not exist before. That's weird! Last night he did not want to sleep in his crib so I took him so Wife could sleep a little, and brought him with me on the couch. He slept on my chest and all I could do was to give thanks to God for his being in my life. He is also showing me that he has his father's gift for making noises, very loud noises, that do not come from his head. Yes, it's loud enough to prompt Wife to say, "Geez, was that you?!!"

Don't worry, Mommy is hurrying up...

2007-09-22T19:48:00.000-05:00

An interesting, new form of communication is afoot: using our son to speak to each other in the third person. Dropping hints at what we'd like the other to do and projecting our needs onto Papito. It's kinda funny, actually. Example: I'm holding a screaming Papito and saying in an exaggeratedly loud voice,"I know that you are hungry, Mommy is moving as fast as she can to get back here and feed you!" or, Wife saying, "Daddy is going to get us (this or that) so we can be comfortable." Hmmm, Daddy is getting tired now and Mommy wants to take you so he can nap : )

Universe has shifted

2007-09-19T17:40:00.000-05:00

The past two weeks have been a daze for me. Truly I can say that my old self is dying and a new self is emerging. In one sense, this is one of the "pascal mystery" moments of my life; dying to my former life of doing what I wanted, when I wanted... to putting my son totally first. Of course it comes natural and it should not be any other way, but at 3:00 in the morning, I feel the "death" a little more keenly. Also, it is becoming very clear that Wife and I need to continue putting our relationship above all else right now so that we can forge ahead working as a united team, bonded, and supportive of each other. With sleep deprivation comes thin skin and frayed nerves. Moreover, Wife is an inspiration to me right now. She is in a lot of pain from complications of the C-section (nothing life-threatening, thank goodness), but still is so committed to giving our son the best start possible, she gets up every three hours and breast feeds him. Speaking of breast feeding, there's a lot that I've learned in the past couple of weeks that belong to what I call the "estrogen pool." I am firmly swimming in it now after being able to speak fluently with terms such as "does he have a good latch?", "honey, where is your 'brest friend' (the name of the 'boppy' that she uses)", and the like. The concept of fatherhood has not sunk in yet and I don't expect it to for a little while. While I love Papito and feel bonded to him, I think that it takes longer for fathers to grasp the wonderment of parenthood than for mothers because we were not "one" with the baby for nine months, and we are not able to give of our own bodies for the sake of the other, as in breast feeding. I am presently watching Papito groan and coo while sleeping in his swing. I've got a beer in hand and a smile on my lips.

Erection?

2007-09-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

So my son, who was days old, had an erection! I don't know, there was a certain fatherly pride when I saw it...thinking: wow! viril already. What I didn't know is that baby boys often get an erection right before they pee everywhere. I called Wife into the room with some urgency to check out our son's endeavor and just as she came in the door....pssssssss shooting out all over the place. Wife uttered two words: "You idiot!" It was rather funny. I learned my lesson for shizzle my drizzle.

Why Trinity 4 Us?

2007-09-14T20:38:00.001-05:00

A modern view of the Trinity is not some obscure, misunderstood doctrine that is skipped over because it's too hard to explain. Instead, we see that the Trinity is a theological word for the pattern of all things. From a theological standpoint, Trinity is understood as Father (who gives of himself totally and without reserve to the Son), Son (who receives totally and without reserve from the Father, and then gives it back to the Father), and Holy Spirit (the "It" that the Father and Son give to and receive from each other). We can use other more approachable metaphors for Trinity such as: Lover, Beloved, and the Love that binds; Giver, Receiver, and the Gift given. From this stand point, God is better understood as pure and total relationship which is at once, giving and receiving, receiving and giving. It is exciting to live in these times because science is now confirming this same pattern in the material world. From the telescope to the microscope, we find that the universe is totally relational. Think of an atom. The electrons orbit the nucleus of the atom and are kept there by the centripital and centriphical forces. In other words, each electron is held perfectly in orbit by the giving and receiving between itself and the nucleus. Moreover, the space in between the nucleus and the electron is what gives the both of them their existence because with space, they would be fused as one. However, a deeper look at the "space" reveals that it is not emptiness at all but rather an alive energy that perfectly pushes and pulls (if an atom is split, it's not the electron or the nucleus that gives the resulting powerful explosion, but rather it's the breakup of the relationship that unleashes the power.) The same pattern is seen between planets and their stars, and indeed in the entire unfolding of the universe(s). In fact, this pattern is now explicated in psychology, social work, and pastoral counseling. A "self" (read "person") is understood as "self-in-community" which means that "no man is an island", that individualism is a delusion. A person, therefore, is defined by his/her relationships with others and creation. Relationality, in the end, is the ultimate foundation of the Manifested. We are caught up in the sweep of the God loving Godself as we are created and sustained by the Love itself. Therefore, the Trinity is truly "4 US."

Getting Settled In

2007-09-11T11:21:00.000-05:00

Things have been going well for us. Wife and Papito continue to do well breast feeding and although it has been difficult for us to get into the routine of getting up every few hours, we're working as a team and everything is peaceful. I have created a little altar in our room with a single candle. Wife uses this to focus her attention when Papito first latches on because she is still sore from earlier damage. Also, we light the candle during the feedings because it's a sacred time, a time when mother and son are one, connected, giving and receiving, beautiful mutuality. I am saddened, however, to learn that my cousin, who is very young, lost her husband to cancer yesterday. It seems that life and death are playing out in our family, in my generation.

The Art of Breast Feeding

2007-09-05T20:07:00.000-05:00

Doesn't seem easy, actually. Babies are definitely born with the sucking techniques, but latching is a different story. Thankfully, the nurses at our hospital have been so helpful and patient and are never failing in their support, encouragement, and empowerment. I don't understand why some husbands are into helping out with the breastfeeding. There's so much to help out with, seeing the angle of the latch, testing the latch, getting and retrieving the baby, and watching him take in life. It's also a deeply spiritual event, it seems...as if Wife and Papito are one: perfect giving and perfect receiving for the perfect mutual benefit of both.

Beautiful Day Outside and Inside

2007-09-04T21:13:00.000-05:00

As I went to our window in our hospital room several times today and had a view out onto Lake Michigan, I saw the world moving around as it always does. My world has changed and everything I see seems to be covered with a softer light. I know that this is normal during life changes, but I can't help feeling deeply blessed to be experiencing such beautiful human moments. Our son, whom I will call Papito, is a little squirt...literally, from all ends. Weird how I actually think that it is a priviledge to change his diapers, an honor. I'm sure that I'll laugh in a few weeks when I go back over the blog and read that. We are trying to raise our son bilingual, Spanish and English. I lived in Latin America for an extended period of time and now I get to use Spanish at work. I'll only speak Spanish to him and this sort of scares me. Although by all accounts, I'm fluent in Spanish, still it is not my first language so the intimacy is not as strong. Nor do I know the "little household" words that are used in raising children. We'll see how it works.

First time, first child

2007-09-03T19:49:00.000-05:00

I've never done a blog before. I guess a lot of people put that down as one of their first comments to assuage their insecurities before starting something public and personal. I just became a father for the first time yesterday at 1:21 pm and right now I feel more emotions at once that I ever have. We did not know the sex of our baby and when the doctor said, "you have a boy!" I just knew it. Ever since we got pregnant, I just knew that it was a boy, for some reason. In any case, I am hoping that this blog, if I can keep it up, will be my way of sharing with the larger world, whether anyone reads this at all or not, my joyful adventures of fatherhood...and all that entails.