Christmas, 2007

Here are some picts from Christmas. We went to Wife's family's house near DC. It was a great visit and her family really had some good Papito time. It's great when there's a lot of females around at a party or vacation because then I can catch up on my reading and sleeping :) It was a real joy to have Papito this Christmas and even though he does not realize it, he made out like a bandit! Highlights were 1) Christmas Mass on Saturday and showing Papito baby Jesus in the manager after Mass; 2) eating junk food; 3) taking daily walks in the 50 degree weather; 4) eating very tender lamb at a Middle Eastern restaurant on Christmas Eve; 5) and hanging out with Wife's family, who is very cool.

Rehab Update

It's been a while since I've written. More than a month ago, we became concerned that Papito was getting a flat head. When we place him on his back, he'd look to the right. On his stomach, he'd only look to the left so only one side was getting slept on. We took him to the pediatrician who referred us to the children's rehab clinic at a local children's hospital. The first meeting was not encouraging because he seemed to not respond to stimuli on one side of his body. He was also slouching too much for his age (how do you tell that from a 2 month old??) We were given some exercises to do and we kept going to the rehab. Yesterday, he was evaluated by a specialist who was responsible for scoring his physical developmental progress. We were actually hoping that he would score 30% delayed (compared to the norm for 3.5 months) so that an Illinois state fund would kick in and pay for the $300/session visits. All good news...he is doing well enough that he scored better than 30% delayed AND the specialist, using her clinical judgment, signed off on the fund anyway. Papito will now be able to get as much tx as he needs. Why is he behind? We don't know... some babies take longer to touch their toes, hold up their head for longer periods of time, etc. There's no indication right now that he's mentally delayed, which is great news...he's just a little floppy. In any case, the physical therapist said that he needs to do a lot (A LOT) of tummy time, which he hates. In fact, as I write this, he's crying his head off and acting like I'm torturing him. He'll moan in quite resignation and quiet down and then...pow! he's off struggling to get up. I feel a sadistic humor in watching him kick his legs and wail his arms around... should I feel guilty? Naw, it's my morning entertainment :)

Cutie Pa Tutie

The picture of me holding Papito is us doing his excercises and stretches to build his core muscles.

Who Is This Child?

The director young adult ministry in Chicago through out this reflection: to give an answer to the question "Who Is This Child?" The following is what I sent him. I'm going to post future theology stuff on my Mindful Theology blog site (www.mindfultheology.blogspot.com). Have a blessed Advent.

Who Is This Child?

Another question that is connected to this one is “Why did he come at that time, at that place?” When viewed from the story of human evolution, Jesus came at the perfect time because he represents the fulfillment of one phase and the beginning of another. The human story began a few million years ago and by the time Jesus came to earth, are bodies and brains had reached their full potential and we had some pretty good experience already with living in civilizations. While living in civilizations lumped people together in some form of unity, real “oneness” was not evident. Class systems developed and a few privileged people, mostly men, lorded over their subjects. While our technologies have evolved, we seem to still be stuck in power systems where people are being oppressed. We even oppress ourselves by being deeply frustrated by who we think we are and who we want to be.

However, the next phase of evolution is on the horizon but it began with Jesus, 2000 years ago. This phase will not be characterized by physical domination, Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest, or building up and hording of resources to ensure physical survival. Instead, the next phase is a spiritual phase where people “awaken” to who they already (truly) are. It is a global movement of humans reconnecting to the earth and to each other where artificial barriers such as nation states, racial segregation, gender gaps, economic disparities, and even our own self-imposed limitations implode. Jesus teachings consistently challenged the power structures that oppressed people while inviting the oppressed to live more fully and freely. On a smaller scale, he challenged individuals to live with such freedom that their culturally enforced and self-imposed stereotypes (“false selves”) were no longer necessary. Never before in our human story did teachings come forth that were as radical, challenging, exciting, and life-giving. His own Jewish heritage could not have prepared him to live with such freedom as it was itself steeped in patriarchal ideology that allowed a few powerful men to control the rest. It seems that only through his total connection to Being, to God, could he speak with such a freshness, free from the mindset of his time, that his message remains universally applicable regardless of any historical or cultural context. In other words, this new phase of human evolution is a spiritual realization of the prayer that he prayed in John’s Gospel, “May they be one” (Jn 17:21). And Jesus’ teaching is the blueprint of how to do just that.

Jesus coming to earth also affirmed that God loves the human body, that creation is good (so we better take care of it), and that all of the life-cycles that enervate the universe such as birth, death, sexuality, love, and forbearance are the manifestations of God’s self. Because he came as a baby to a family, we are affirmed in our desires to parent, to marry, to bring forth life…and to be vulnerable. During the time he grew into his Personhood, his needs were met by his family and friends. It is a reminder that it is okay to have needs and to receive help from people.

In sum, God’s coming to the world as Jesus is the Great Morning that marked the end or fulfillment of our bodily growth while we slept and the beginning of a new dawn of wakefulness, of oneness, and of authentic self-love.

Recent Pictures

My Favorite Part of the Day

As of right now, I actually have two favorite parts of the day. The first is in the morning when I go into Papito's room and say good morning. Usually he's already away and cooing. I yell from the door, "Buenos Dias!!!" and then he starts smiling from ear to ear with his legs and arms swaying from excitement. If he's asleep, the wake him up, he stretches, opens his eyes, and starts smiling. I pick up him and put him on the changing table and of course, he's smiling the whole time. It's as if he's saying, "it's great to be here, and I love you!" Pretty cool. My second favorite time of the day is at night when I bathe him. Bathing is our special time together. He loves the water! I wash his hair right in the sink and he closes his eyes in contentment. Then I put him in his tub (also in the sink) and he starts sucking his right thumb and smiling. I sing in Spanish all of the body parts I'm washing (different tune every night :) and then dry him off. I know it's all very simple, but it's the simple things in life that mean the most. Papito is re-teaching me this.

The Journey

I don't know what to write right now and I know that it has been a while since I wrote. I've been so touched by so many things that have happened recently. The week after the last posting, Papito was baptized. His family, including his Godparents, were there to be physically and spiritually present as a witness to his coming into the Church. Also, we pledged by our being present, to be an integral part of his life journey...of how he participates in and with God's love. Both sets of his grandparents were there as was Wife's sister. My brother and sister-in-law became Godparents to Papito. How do you capture in words the little miracles of the present moment that pass and leave wonderment in their stead? Every day offers a new opportunity to share in laughter at Papito's facial expressions or movements or new things he has learned. Every day allows me and Wife to learn how to relate to him and to each other in renewed ways...in ways that are grounded in relationality to one another. He is my son which means I am his father and the bond between us is a new living entity that did not exist before he became my son and me his father. I see my job as a father to make sure that this living entity, our relationship, is healthy, balanced, and kinetic. My prayer is that the magic of his life be in the journey, in the new present moments, and not in the expectations that are placed upon him by his parents, or even by himself. That he grows into who he already IS and that I minimize my own projected ego-needs in that process is my pledge.

Weekend Fun

This was a very fun weekend. Best friends (husband and wife) came to visit and meet Papito. They are the first people that are not related by blood that our son will know as "aunt and uncle." Papito actually went to two restaurants this weekend and he did great. No crying, just slept through the drone of the crowd. It's still hard to believe that he is mine when I look at him. "Uncle" commented that he actually looks like me, which makes me feel very good. I was thinking there for a while that the only thing I gave my son were my facial birthmarks and my last name. Hmm, something make sme think that I've written that here before. Did I already write this before? I don't remember. I didn't sleep a lot this weekend and when I did, let's just say that it was induced and sustained by toxic liquids of the ethanol nature. I'm feeling a little blue because the visit with our friends was so short, and I have to go back to the daily grind. Luckily, I get to go home to a wonderful wife and a squirmy lil' fart--my squirmy lil' smilin' fart blossom.

Our nightly ritual

No, get your mind out of the gutter! Just kidding. During work, I find myself excited about coming home and seeing my family. It's a pretty cool feeling. Once home, I cook or Wife cooks, depending on how she feels, and then I jump on the elliptical for an hour. If Papito is really fussy, then I put him in the car seat, strap on my tennis, and climb up and down four flights of stairs while switching carrying hands. I can only handle 30 minutes of that, and I feel a whole lot more tired and worked out than an hour on the elliptical. For curls, yep, I use the now 13 lb living, moving "weight" in the car seat. Wife is feeling better and went to rehabilitation today for her stomach muscles. She is able to get out of bed without assistance and they came and got the hospital bed on Friday. The exciting news right now is that Wife apparently made a good impression on a lengthy phone interview for a Texas Spine and Sports clinic last week. They called her today and asked if she could come for an interview on November 6th!! Trust in God is important here because the timing will be such that she might get an offer to join the practice before having seen what else is out there. She'll hopefully have a better feel of things after the personal interview. Oh, back to our nightly ritual. After showering, I hang out with Papito while Wife pumps, showers, and generally putzes around. She finally goes to bed and I feed and bathe the lil' dude. He seems to like baths and closes his eyes in apparent bliss when I wash his hair. Once clean, fed, and content, he usually drops a big one for good measure. After the last clean up, it's rocking time. If he goes down by 12:30 am, it's a good night. If not, Wife is nudged up...and nudged...and nudged. Ah... the joy of being with Papito and then the joy of passing him off... :)

Social Smile?

I was pretty excited this morning because I thought I saw Papito smiling at me. He was in the crib and restless. I went over and peered at him from above. He smiled really big and I thought, this is it! However, right after my elation hit the roof, he revealed through a small explosion that he's still too young for his smile to be disconnected from his bowels. Oh well :)

In Touch with Being

I was listening once again to a The Power of Now, by Eckart Tolle, and was reminded again that babies are total in touch with Being itself. My son's facial movements, cries of hunger or affection, kicking of the legs, and peaceful sleep are all expressions of his state of not be aware of self...of pure stimulus and response. In other words, he is totally connected with the Essence behind all of us and has no choice but to live completely in the present moment. I think that this is one of the reasons that people are so drawn to babies. We instinctively know that they are connected and we long to return to the innocence that was ours before the age of reason, before our minds created an identity for ourselves.

Late Night Walking

Thanks Nicole for your good advice. I agree that babies pick up the energy of the parents. It's hard to be positive when so tired, but trying to find the sacredness of the moment helps me some. Also, finding something funny each time I'm with him is something I'm trying to do....to see the humor in raising a baby. For example, I love it when he sneezes, both of his arms shoot up like he's going downhill on a rollercoaster. That makes me laugh a lot. The past few nights have brought me out of the house for an hour while Wife sleeps or showers. It's kinda our time and the weather here in Chi-town is not cold yet. I try to talk to him about the things that I see as we walk. Sometimes I'll pray the Rosary in Spanish outloud. It brings a nice rythym and is a nice meditation while trying to be present.

Raising a baby is not for sissies

Things are going pretty well overall. Wife is starting to feel a little better and the MRI that she had last week revealed that her swelling has gone down. The hospital bed that we have in our kitchen is really helpful!! She can get in and out of bed with out re-injuring herself each time. Papito is growing so fast that he appears to be changing daily. I heard somewhere that if people grew as fast as they grow the first few months, they would be the sizes of houses at adulthood! I believe that. In any case, I am really tired right now. At night, Wife takes care of Papito until about 7:00 am when I take over for an hour before leaving for work. While this may sound good because I can sleep at night, it hasn't worked out that way. First, I go to bed now pretty late, after his 11:00 pm feeding. Secondly, while trying to sleep, I often lay in bed worrying about Wife having to be up and not sleeping. Yesterday, I worked until 8:00 pm and rode my bike about 35 miles to see clients. I was very tired and when I got home, made dinner, and then took over for Wife while she showered, and napped. Papito did not want to go down and he was fussy so I took him outside and walked around for a hour. Sleeping on my shoulder, I returned to the apartment and he began to cry again. He cried and fussed and fussed and cried and I started to feel insecure about my parenthood. Wife, not able to nap, arose and said that I had nothing to worry about, that's how babies are. Reassured, I went to bed and didn't sleep very well until the morning when I relieved Wife. Friends at work say that a pattern is needed and this will help things get better. We haven't figured this out yet. Any suggestions?

Just the Three of US

Wife's mom left today and no it's just her, Papito, and me. Wife is concerned and a little scared to see if we can make it on our own. I feel apprehensive too, but millions of people do it all the time and survive. I feel that my job right now is to be confident for her and Papito, to relieve her when she needs to sleep so she can see that two people can do this. Most of my clients are single female families anyways, and they somehow do it, with a lot more adversity than us. More than anything, I feel God is very present right now, in every breath of Papito, and in the space between us.

Starting to Sink In

Okay, So I have a kid. Another human that my wife and I created...someone who did not exist before. That's weird! Last night he did not want to sleep in his crib so I took him so Wife could sleep a little, and brought him with me on the couch. He slept on my chest and all I could do was to give thanks to God for his being in my life. He is also showing me that he has his father's gift for making noises, very loud noises, that do not come from his head. Yes, it's loud enough to prompt Wife to say, "Geez, was that you?!!"

Don't worry, Mommy is hurrying up...

An interesting, new form of communication is afoot: using our son to speak to each other in the third person. Dropping hints at what we'd like the other to do and projecting our needs onto Papito. It's kinda funny, actually. Example: I'm holding a screaming Papito and saying in an exaggeratedly loud voice,"I know that you are hungry, Mommy is moving as fast as she can to get back here and feed you!" or, Wife saying, "Daddy is going to get us (this or that) so we can be comfortable." Hmmm, Daddy is getting tired now and Mommy wants to take you so he can nap : )

Universe has shifted

The past two weeks have been a daze for me. Truly I can say that my old self is dying and a new self is emerging. In one sense, this is one of the "pascal mystery" moments of my life; dying to my former life of doing what I wanted, when I wanted... to putting my son totally first. Of course it comes natural and it should not be any other way, but at 3:00 in the morning, I feel the "death" a little more keenly. Also, it is becoming very clear that Wife and I need to continue putting our relationship above all else right now so that we can forge ahead working as a united team, bonded, and supportive of each other. With sleep deprivation comes thin skin and frayed nerves. Moreover, Wife is an inspiration to me right now. She is in a lot of pain from complications of the C-section (nothing life-threatening, thank goodness), but still is so committed to giving our son the best start possible, she gets up every three hours and breast feeds him. Speaking of breast feeding, there's a lot that I've learned in the past couple of weeks that belong to what I call the "estrogen pool." I am firmly swimming in it now after being able to speak fluently with terms such as "does he have a good latch?", "honey, where is your 'brest friend' (the name of the 'boppy' that she uses)", and the like. The concept of fatherhood has not sunk in yet and I don't expect it to for a little while. While I love Papito and feel bonded to him, I think that it takes longer for fathers to grasp the wonderment of parenthood than for mothers because we were not "one" with the baby for nine months, and we are not able to give of our own bodies for the sake of the other, as in breast feeding. I am presently watching Papito groan and coo while sleeping in his swing. I've got a beer in hand and a smile on my lips.

Erection?

So my son, who was days old, had an erection! I don't know, there was a certain fatherly pride when I saw it...thinking: wow! viril already. What I didn't know is that baby boys often get an erection right before they pee everywhere. I called Wife into the room with some urgency to check out our son's endeavor and just as she came in the door....pssssssss shooting out all over the place. Wife uttered two words: "You idiot!" It was rather funny. I learned my lesson for shizzle my drizzle.

Why Trinity 4 Us?

A modern view of the Trinity is not some obscure, misunderstood doctrine that is skipped over because it's too hard to explain. Instead, we see that the Trinity is a theological word for the pattern of all things. From a theological standpoint, Trinity is understood as Father (who gives of himself totally and without reserve to the Son), Son (who receives totally and without reserve from the Father, and then gives it back to the Father), and Holy Spirit (the "It" that the Father and Son give to and receive from each other). We can use other more approachable metaphors for Trinity such as: Lover, Beloved, and the Love that binds; Giver, Receiver, and the Gift given. From this stand point, God is better understood as pure and total relationship which is at once, giving and receiving, receiving and giving. It is exciting to live in these times because science is now confirming this same pattern in the material world. From the telescope to the microscope, we find that the universe is totally relational. Think of an atom. The electrons orbit the nucleus of the atom and are kept there by the centripital and centriphical forces. In other words, each electron is held perfectly in orbit by the giving and receiving between itself and the nucleus. Moreover, the space in between the nucleus and the electron is what gives the both of them their existence because with space, they would be fused as one. However, a deeper look at the "space" reveals that it is not emptiness at all but rather an alive energy that perfectly pushes and pulls (if an atom is split, it's not the electron or the nucleus that gives the resulting powerful explosion, but rather it's the breakup of the relationship that unleashes the power.) The same pattern is seen between planets and their stars, and indeed in the entire unfolding of the universe(s). In fact, this pattern is now explicated in psychology, social work, and pastoral counseling. A "self" (read "person") is understood as "self-in-community" which means that "no man is an island", that individualism is a delusion. A person, therefore, is defined by his/her relationships with others and creation. Relationality, in the end, is the ultimate foundation of the Manifested. We are caught up in the sweep of the God loving Godself as we are created and sustained by the Love itself. Therefore, the Trinity is truly "4 US."

Getting Settled In

Things have been going well for us. Wife and Papito continue to do well breast feeding and although it has been difficult for us to get into the routine of getting up every few hours, we're working as a team and everything is peaceful. I have created a little altar in our room with a single candle. Wife uses this to focus her attention when Papito first latches on because she is still sore from earlier damage. Also, we light the candle during the feedings because it's a sacred time, a time when mother and son are one, connected, giving and receiving, beautiful mutuality. I am saddened, however, to learn that my cousin, who is very young, lost her husband to cancer yesterday. It seems that life and death are playing out in our family, in my generation.

The Art of Breast Feeding

Doesn't seem easy, actually. Babies are definitely born with the sucking techniques, but latching is a different story. Thankfully, the nurses at our hospital have been so helpful and patient and are never failing in their support, encouragement, and empowerment. I don't understand why some husbands are into helping out with the breastfeeding. There's so much to help out with, seeing the angle of the latch, testing the latch, getting and retrieving the baby, and watching him take in life. It's also a deeply spiritual event, it seems...as if Wife and Papito are one: perfect giving and perfect receiving for the perfect mutual benefit of both.

Beautiful Day Outside and Inside

As I went to our window in our hospital room several times today and had a view out onto Lake Michigan, I saw the world moving around as it always does. My world has changed and everything I see seems to be covered with a softer light. I know that this is normal during life changes, but I can't help feeling deeply blessed to be experiencing such beautiful human moments. Our son, whom I will call Papito, is a little squirt...literally, from all ends. Weird how I actually think that it is a priviledge to change his diapers, an honor. I'm sure that I'll laugh in a few weeks when I go back over the blog and read that. We are trying to raise our son bilingual, Spanish and English. I lived in Latin America for an extended period of time and now I get to use Spanish at work. I'll only speak Spanish to him and this sort of scares me. Although by all accounts, I'm fluent in Spanish, still it is not my first language so the intimacy is not as strong. Nor do I know the "little household" words that are used in raising children. We'll see how it works.

First time, first child

I've never done a blog before. I guess a lot of people put that down as one of their first comments to assuage their insecurities before starting something public and personal. I just became a father for the first time yesterday at 1:21 pm and right now I feel more emotions at once that I ever have. We did not know the sex of our baby and when the doctor said, "you have a boy!" I just knew it. Ever since we got pregnant, I just knew that it was a boy, for some reason. In any case, I am hoping that this blog, if I can keep it up, will be my way of sharing with the larger world, whether anyone reads this at all or not, my joyful adventures of fatherhood...and all that entails.