Idols

I've been feeling restless lately, just short of general anxiety, and I haven't been really able to pinpoint where these feelings were coming from. Well that's true on one level, the superficial level, but scratch the surface, and I have always known. For me, I've learned the periods of restlessness, emptiness, or loneliness have two significant meanings in my life. First, these feelings are an invitation from God to reconnect, to be named again, to re-remember who I am in God. Second, it's an invitation to re-examine my daily behavior and find "Idols" that I have chosen in place of living in the NOW, the present moment, the place where God Is. Lately, my idol has been constantly turning on the radio and listening to NPR. Not that there's anything wrong with NPR, but when that or anything becomes a "fill" to avoid the present moment and what seems like the drudgery of daily life, it becomes an idol. I have not turned on NPR in two days, neither in the car nor at home, and I have discovered that I do not miss the daily news, the talk shows, the bad news of the economy. Not that informing oneself is bad, for it is essential. But when I am not free to not listen to the radio (or anything else) then I am not available to the present and I am missing the silent whispers of God. What have I discovered since turning the radio off the radio? What I have known before, have forgotten, have remembered, and will undoubtedly forget again... that there is a sweetness of living in the stillness of the NOW where ordinary tasks of the day become a means to discover God, who I am, and a joy that is abundant. Are there "Idols" in your life?

Doin' Fine in Irvine

Well it's actually Irving, but I wanted the title to rhyme... what a nerd, I know. The Bear and I are in a pretty good routine right now. What I am really excited that is that since I spend a lot of time with him, he's really catching on to the Spanish and understanding a lot. He does the same in English and although he's not saying a lot yet, he does say one very funny thing: "Help Me!!" The only TV we let the Bear watch is "Go Diego Go" and he loves it. We put it on the Spanish setting which is actually created to help Spanish speaking children learn English. They intersperse a few English words each episode, but it is very heavily accented because they must have chosen Latino actors who don't speak English. Instead of "Help Me!" It sounds like, "Epp Mi." So about three weeks ago, I was changing his diaper and he was pretty fussy. He started crying out, "Epp Mi!! Ehop Mi!!"

Second Day Concerns

Today is the second day for Wife at her new job. She is working as an attending at a Dallas-area hospital. Yesterday she was shown around and got measured for her medical coat. She'll be in charge of a couple of residents and apparently will be taking over the director's rounds. In fact, she just learned that the boards that she just took was written by her director. Wife was able to say to her directly, "It was really hard!" The director replied, "Good, they were supposed to be." The highest score in the country on the boards only scored a 72!

It's also my second day on the job.... taking care of the Bear. Yesterday we dropped Wife at work and then went to the Dallas Arboretum. Very beautiful. It was pretty cool just hanging out with the Bear. I must admit that I feel very daunted by the task of caring for him full time. I have so much more respect for homemakers (now that I am one) because it is very difficult. I know things will get easier when I get into a routine. But right now I feel that I am not talking to him enough, or playing with enough, or whatever. Plus he has his physical therapy issues which are always present. Wife is very supportive of me which I appreciate. I feel like I need to learn more Spanish for his sake.

In Texas

After two months of no posting, I hope to be more consistent. In August, Wife spent time everyday studying for her specialty Boards (physiatry) and we found out yesterday that she passed. I wrapped up things at Catholic Charities and it was difficult to say goodbye. I am grateful for the experience and the relationships that I had there.

The Bear, two cats, and two adults drove across country from Chicago to Dallas in two days. The Bear did wonderfully and did not cry at all, only pouted a few times when he was bored. The cats slept on our laps the whole way. We're now in our own apartment in Las Colinas which is 10 miles from Wife's work, 45 minutes from my parents and brother. We got the Bear enrolled in early intervention here too to help with his rehab. The biggest challenge is to constantly redirect him from the "butt scoot boogie" which is a cute but unhelpful way that many low muscle tone babies use to get around.

I will write tomorrow more about our new life here. It's good to be home but I really miss Chicago and our friends there.

33 and a New Start

Today we learned that I don't have melanoma but rather an abnormal mole. It's being sent off for chromosomal studies to see if it was beginning to be cancerous. Just to be on the safe side, the doctors want to cut more out of my shoulder around the area of the excision. I feel that I have been given a new lease on life. And after we found out that our fears were not confirmed, my wife confided in me that if it had been melanoma, because of the rarity of the size and texture of the mole, it would have been fatal. I would have been dead within six months to a year. She had been living with this fact since Monday. My feelings right now are so overwhelming. I am grateful, relieved, still anxious...yet I see a new side of life that only scares like this can bring. I want to rededicate my life to God and you, my brothers and sisters. I don't know in what form this will take place, I am open. I further rededicate myself to being the best husband and father I can be. Thank you God for this gift tonight....This gift of life.

Catching Up

This weekend was wonderful in many ways. First, the weather was glorious. I've never been in a city where you can actually feel the overall city-wide mood just raise up because of better weather. This winter and spring have been some of the worst on record for Chicago. Second, some friends from my undergraduate college, UNT, came to town. Although 10 years have passed since I've hung out with them, it was indeed fun to pick up where we left. Plus, there were two new additions and one on the way. I'll send picts of the "reunion" when I get them.

Way Over Due!

Everyone's doing great! Wife got a job at UT Southwestern hospital and will start in Sept or Oct. We'll probably live in Las Colinas or Irving, renting for the first year and then maybe buying. Last Saturday, we bought a new car! We traded in the Jeep and bought a Prius hybrid which gets 48 miles per gallon in the city....which is key since gas here is $4.50/g and expected to go up to over $5 by the end of the summer. Also, the car has very low emissions so the environmental impact is not so bad. As we get older, esp now with a child, we're more and more concious of the environment and way small role we can play in decreasing our consumption and pollution output. The car was a little more expensive than we had planned but after 3 years or less, it'll pay for itself with the savings in gas.

Lastly, Papito or from this point, aka "The Bear," had his first swimming experience yesterday. A bunch of Wife's co-workers who also have babies, got together to have baby swimming lessons. The Bear did not cry but it seemed he didn't know quite what to do with it all. It was fun and he did well over all. Here are some pictures.

Back from Texas

Wife, Papito, and I went to Texas for a quick 3 day trip for Wife's interview and my 33rd birthday. It was a wonderful time and we got to introduce Papito to his cousins. Wife's interview was very successful and was offered a job at UT Southwestern in Dallas. She'll have to see what Baylor Hospital now says and then we'll make a decision about where she'll end up. On Saturday, my best friends hosted a party at their house in Hastlet and people from both sides of my family came to celebrate. It was a lot of fun.... guitars, drums, beer, pool, swimming, and food. Check out the picts!

Spring Fever

Well, poor lil' Papito did end up getting sick. Yesterday, Wife picked him up from the babysitter's house and he was pretty hot. A rectal temperature reading showed he had a fever just under 101. He remained in Wife's arms for the rest of the day but he was still smiling and responsive. We called the pediatrician to let them know and they just said to monitor it. Poor little guy. This morning, thank God, he did show a fever and although he was a little fussy, seemed back to normal. We'll see...

Just the Boys

Wife is flying out today for a job interview at Baylor Hospital in the DFW area. She'll be there overnight so Papito and me will be hanging out. Thankfully, my fever is gone but still have residual effects of flu. Wife is complaining of a scratchy throat and feeling achy, just in time for her interview. She's picking up some hospital "surgery" masks so I can interact with Papito without having to breathe on him. Pray for Wife that she can get through the interview okay and that Papito does not get sick, that's the biggest issue. Otherwise, things are just fine. It's opening day in Cubs land with most of the area bars opening at 6 am!! Can you imagine? The picture above is my current favorite. Look at the desperation as he's about to eat mushy carrots for the second time.

Not passing it on

So I've been sick with a fever, cough, runny nose, etc since Tuesday. I haven't hugged Papito or anything and it's been really hard!! I am really grateful for Wife's hard work because she's taken on all of his caretaking and taking care of me. But now she's starting to feel bad....

So I don't know how we're going to juggle this one. If she starts to go down, I'll have to scrub up like going into surgery so I can handle Papito and decrease the him getting sick with what might be the flu. Wish us luck!

Good Friday, 2008

Right now outside my Chicago window, it is snowing outside when it "should" be warm and sunny this time of the year. I am not working today, Catholic Charities has the day off, and so I "should" be cleaning. I "should have been" more strict on myself during Lent, perhaps. I am profoundly mindful today of my failings and shortcomings today. Have I grown any during Lent this year? I don't know...I realize that there are a lot of "shoulds" in my life and in the world at large. There "should" be a better economy. There "should not" be war in Iraq. There "should" be better recycling in Chicago (and I "should" do a better job a recycling). I feel this tension between where I am and where I want to be, the "should." But that's not where God is. God is located in the here and now embracing me where I am and lovingly inviting me to become more and more who I really am. It's precicely in the struggle of the "shoulds", the tension of the now, when my soul is torn open to receive the mercy of God. Señor, ayúdame ser quien realmente soy. Dame la sabiduría y el poder de vivir en el momento presente, en el ahoríta. Dame la forteleza hacer lo que debo y la sabiduría a dejar las cosas cuando debo. Amen.

What do you think?

So, I have been thinking that Papito does not look like me. But people often say that he's looking more like me all of the time. I've posted a picture of me when I was 6 months, which is his current age. What do you think?

On other news, his rehabilitation is going pretty well. He can sit up by himself without support for about 10 to 15 seconds, stand with just holding his hands, and he's got one really big tooth with a couple of buds cropping up. He still has trouble with tummy time and learning how to put weight on his arms. He holds up his head just fine but his arms go sprawling after a few minutes like he's surfing on a wave. He still is so smiley and fun to be around. He rarely cries and it's usually connected to being on his tummy. I am still only speaking to him in Spanish but I'm not sure that he's getting enough exposure. So everyday, I put on the same Latin music everyday so he can get used it. A friend from Chicago is from Columbia and gave me some Spanish children CDs. He'll be going from crawling to walking to dancing merengue soon. About the pictures: Top is me at 6 months; Papito is on his tummy next; Papito's first swing ride, he loved it! Wife studying for a riveting test called Texas Medical Jurisprudence and Papito providing support; Wife and Papito enjoying some time together...

Become the Change You Want to See

The title is a mantra that keeps coming to me recently. I don't know exactly why. Well, I guess I hope I know. For Lent this year, I didn't given up anything very specific but I'm trying to make some positive changes in my life. More than anything, though, I've been praying that God give me a new direction, a new way of viewing things... a way that makes me more full of peace and in turn, act more peaceful towards others. As if a mist is slowly dissipating around me and my vision becoming clearer, I see how regularly I find fault with the way others act or with how systems, of which I am a part, operate. Things that come to my head might be, "Well, I would not have done it that way..." "I am so bored in this weekly meeting, no one wants to be here..." "Why can't she be cleaner..." "We Americans are ruining so much of the environment..." And many more examples, there are. So, the mantra, "Become the change you want to see," I believe is the answer to my Lenten prayer. If I want a meeting to be productive, I need to look at my own lack of participation. If I dislike the pollution issue, then I ask myself, how well am I recycling? If I am unhappy of how my environment looks or feels, I must look no further than myself to try to change it or at least change the perspective towards it in positive ways. Positive energy is contagious, life giving, and a force for motivation!

About the pictures: I do like to include pictures with my topic, if possible. The first one is of a dove (symbol of peace) enveloping the world. As a side note, my son's name is means "dove" in Hebrew. The second is an invitation to view waging war, instead lets be proponents for peace; the third is that of Gandhi, one of my heroes who embodied the title: he became what he wanted to see.

Kindred Spirit (Hope for Papito)

Most of you don't know that growing up, I wanted to have a tail. Yes, my secret desire in my youth... it just wasn't fair that evolution saw fit to do away with the tail for humans. To deal with my angst, my mom lovingly sewed a sheet over a piece of rope and attached it to my belt. While not a real tail, it was one of the greatest gifts ever and I used it to help me haul up firewood from the barn and also to show my cat that he wasn't the only Scott with a tail. Well, I share this with you because today, I got an email from my best friend who was at a donut shop. Of course he knows my childhood want for a caudal appendage and for years he and my entire family have made fun of me. Well, he saw this young boy who is one of my kind (imagine INXS's "You're One of My Kind" playing in the background) and was kind enough to share it with me. I feel validated, people.

Why is this hope for Papito. As of right now, he retains 95% of the physical traits of his mother. Save for his facial markings (which are from me), everything else is of her. While Wife "has" his outsides, I hope to dominate the insides.... his personality. Therefore, Papito, when you are older, I hope that you will desire to belong to a very elite group of humans. Here is what they look like...

A Moment of Gratefulness

One of the things I'm doing for Lent this year is to frame everything that happens to me or what I do during the day in terms of gratefulness. Viewed from a position of being thankful, struggles offer both a challege in the moment and an opportunity to grow and learn. With that being said, I'm not struggling right at this moment, but I can say that I'm grateful for being inside this coffee shop right now. I'm sitting by the window and have an expansive view of the rain, sleet, snow, and 40 mile wind coming down. It's pretty yucky. But I feel joy as I have my coffee, am warm, and can work "from home" today. At least the crappy weather here is not as bad as what happened in a Switzerland town in the picture, geez (or "freeze").

Teeth!!

Sometimes when my son bawls, I just look at him from the perspective of an observer. While holding him, in a detached manner, I ask myself, "How can a little living being like this cause so much noise?" In any case, I was in one of the observing moods, not knowing why he was crying, and not really caring too much because his hierarchy of needs were all met. That's when I noticed two little white things coming through his lower gum. Surely not, I thought, he's only four and half months. But there was no mistaking them. As it happened, there was a doctor's appointment scheduled the next day for him related to something else. When Wife told the pediatrician the teeth news, she said that if that's true, then it would be the first time she had seen a baby this young get teeth. She said, "Sure enough, there they are." In any case, the above pictures are recent ones from a visit by his grandma (Wife's mother).

Friggin' Cold!!

Papito is just 4. 5 months old and has already experienced colder weather than I did for almost all of my life (one night it was colder when I lived in Boston than it is right now in Chicago). The high today was 3 degrees and the wind chill tonight is going to be around -40. The weather people said that if you go out with exposed skin for 5 to 10 minutes, you'll get frostbite. Ouch! It's warm inside our apartment, thank God. The big development news for Papito is that last week, he found his toes. Yep, they've entered the realm of the conscious. I was changing his diaper and so had his legs hiked up. Then I let them down but they didn't go down, he was hanging on as if to say, "Wow, look at these!" Wife's mom came today for a visit. She loves being a grandma and is good at it already. The picture was taken a month ago with his Aunt Kristi.

Rehab and Rituals

Papito is doing very well, thank God. He was approved last month for a rehab subsidy by the State of IL whereby all of his rehabilitation (which runs at $300/session) will be paid for. The PT thinks he is doing well and is catching up, as it were. Last night, he turned over for the first time. We were excited but it scared him badly. Normally he hates tummy time, but he's been getting up on his elbows now and last night he just pushed himself right over onto his back. As far as daily rituals goes, when I get home from work, I usually work out and do some superficial cleaning. Then bathe him, shower, and get him onto our bed and read to him in Spanish. We have quite a good collection of books now and some are duplicates in English and Spanish (Goodnight Moon and Buenas Noches Luna). More playtime on the bed and then he's ready for his 10pm feeding and sleep. We've been really lucky in that he began sleeping all night about a month and half ago. Anyways, here are some recent pictures. The second one is the picture we used for the Christmas cards.