Just the Three of US

Wife's mom left today and no it's just her, Papito, and me. Wife is concerned and a little scared to see if we can make it on our own. I feel apprehensive too, but millions of people do it all the time and survive. I feel that my job right now is to be confident for her and Papito, to relieve her when she needs to sleep so she can see that two people can do this. Most of my clients are single female families anyways, and they somehow do it, with a lot more adversity than us. More than anything, I feel God is very present right now, in every breath of Papito, and in the space between us.

Starting to Sink In

Okay, So I have a kid. Another human that my wife and I created...someone who did not exist before. That's weird! Last night he did not want to sleep in his crib so I took him so Wife could sleep a little, and brought him with me on the couch. He slept on my chest and all I could do was to give thanks to God for his being in my life. He is also showing me that he has his father's gift for making noises, very loud noises, that do not come from his head. Yes, it's loud enough to prompt Wife to say, "Geez, was that you?!!"

Don't worry, Mommy is hurrying up...

An interesting, new form of communication is afoot: using our son to speak to each other in the third person. Dropping hints at what we'd like the other to do and projecting our needs onto Papito. It's kinda funny, actually. Example: I'm holding a screaming Papito and saying in an exaggeratedly loud voice,"I know that you are hungry, Mommy is moving as fast as she can to get back here and feed you!" or, Wife saying, "Daddy is going to get us (this or that) so we can be comfortable." Hmmm, Daddy is getting tired now and Mommy wants to take you so he can nap : )

Universe has shifted

The past two weeks have been a daze for me. Truly I can say that my old self is dying and a new self is emerging. In one sense, this is one of the "pascal mystery" moments of my life; dying to my former life of doing what I wanted, when I wanted... to putting my son totally first. Of course it comes natural and it should not be any other way, but at 3:00 in the morning, I feel the "death" a little more keenly. Also, it is becoming very clear that Wife and I need to continue putting our relationship above all else right now so that we can forge ahead working as a united team, bonded, and supportive of each other. With sleep deprivation comes thin skin and frayed nerves. Moreover, Wife is an inspiration to me right now. She is in a lot of pain from complications of the C-section (nothing life-threatening, thank goodness), but still is so committed to giving our son the best start possible, she gets up every three hours and breast feeds him. Speaking of breast feeding, there's a lot that I've learned in the past couple of weeks that belong to what I call the "estrogen pool." I am firmly swimming in it now after being able to speak fluently with terms such as "does he have a good latch?", "honey, where is your 'brest friend' (the name of the 'boppy' that she uses)", and the like. The concept of fatherhood has not sunk in yet and I don't expect it to for a little while. While I love Papito and feel bonded to him, I think that it takes longer for fathers to grasp the wonderment of parenthood than for mothers because we were not "one" with the baby for nine months, and we are not able to give of our own bodies for the sake of the other, as in breast feeding. I am presently watching Papito groan and coo while sleeping in his swing. I've got a beer in hand and a smile on my lips.

Erection?

So my son, who was days old, had an erection! I don't know, there was a certain fatherly pride when I saw it...thinking: wow! viril already. What I didn't know is that baby boys often get an erection right before they pee everywhere. I called Wife into the room with some urgency to check out our son's endeavor and just as she came in the door....pssssssss shooting out all over the place. Wife uttered two words: "You idiot!" It was rather funny. I learned my lesson for shizzle my drizzle.

Why Trinity 4 Us?

A modern view of the Trinity is not some obscure, misunderstood doctrine that is skipped over because it's too hard to explain. Instead, we see that the Trinity is a theological word for the pattern of all things. From a theological standpoint, Trinity is understood as Father (who gives of himself totally and without reserve to the Son), Son (who receives totally and without reserve from the Father, and then gives it back to the Father), and Holy Spirit (the "It" that the Father and Son give to and receive from each other). We can use other more approachable metaphors for Trinity such as: Lover, Beloved, and the Love that binds; Giver, Receiver, and the Gift given. From this stand point, God is better understood as pure and total relationship which is at once, giving and receiving, receiving and giving. It is exciting to live in these times because science is now confirming this same pattern in the material world. From the telescope to the microscope, we find that the universe is totally relational. Think of an atom. The electrons orbit the nucleus of the atom and are kept there by the centripital and centriphical forces. In other words, each electron is held perfectly in orbit by the giving and receiving between itself and the nucleus. Moreover, the space in between the nucleus and the electron is what gives the both of them their existence because with space, they would be fused as one. However, a deeper look at the "space" reveals that it is not emptiness at all but rather an alive energy that perfectly pushes and pulls (if an atom is split, it's not the electron or the nucleus that gives the resulting powerful explosion, but rather it's the breakup of the relationship that unleashes the power.) The same pattern is seen between planets and their stars, and indeed in the entire unfolding of the universe(s). In fact, this pattern is now explicated in psychology, social work, and pastoral counseling. A "self" (read "person") is understood as "self-in-community" which means that "no man is an island", that individualism is a delusion. A person, therefore, is defined by his/her relationships with others and creation. Relationality, in the end, is the ultimate foundation of the Manifested. We are caught up in the sweep of the God loving Godself as we are created and sustained by the Love itself. Therefore, the Trinity is truly "4 US."

Getting Settled In

Things have been going well for us. Wife and Papito continue to do well breast feeding and although it has been difficult for us to get into the routine of getting up every few hours, we're working as a team and everything is peaceful. I have created a little altar in our room with a single candle. Wife uses this to focus her attention when Papito first latches on because she is still sore from earlier damage. Also, we light the candle during the feedings because it's a sacred time, a time when mother and son are one, connected, giving and receiving, beautiful mutuality. I am saddened, however, to learn that my cousin, who is very young, lost her husband to cancer yesterday. It seems that life and death are playing out in our family, in my generation.

The Art of Breast Feeding

Doesn't seem easy, actually. Babies are definitely born with the sucking techniques, but latching is a different story. Thankfully, the nurses at our hospital have been so helpful and patient and are never failing in their support, encouragement, and empowerment. I don't understand why some husbands are into helping out with the breastfeeding. There's so much to help out with, seeing the angle of the latch, testing the latch, getting and retrieving the baby, and watching him take in life. It's also a deeply spiritual event, it seems...as if Wife and Papito are one: perfect giving and perfect receiving for the perfect mutual benefit of both.

Beautiful Day Outside and Inside

As I went to our window in our hospital room several times today and had a view out onto Lake Michigan, I saw the world moving around as it always does. My world has changed and everything I see seems to be covered with a softer light. I know that this is normal during life changes, but I can't help feeling deeply blessed to be experiencing such beautiful human moments. Our son, whom I will call Papito, is a little squirt...literally, from all ends. Weird how I actually think that it is a priviledge to change his diapers, an honor. I'm sure that I'll laugh in a few weeks when I go back over the blog and read that. We are trying to raise our son bilingual, Spanish and English. I lived in Latin America for an extended period of time and now I get to use Spanish at work. I'll only speak Spanish to him and this sort of scares me. Although by all accounts, I'm fluent in Spanish, still it is not my first language so the intimacy is not as strong. Nor do I know the "little household" words that are used in raising children. We'll see how it works.

First time, first child

I've never done a blog before. I guess a lot of people put that down as one of their first comments to assuage their insecurities before starting something public and personal. I just became a father for the first time yesterday at 1:21 pm and right now I feel more emotions at once that I ever have. We did not know the sex of our baby and when the doctor said, "you have a boy!" I just knew it. Ever since we got pregnant, I just knew that it was a boy, for some reason. In any case, I am hoping that this blog, if I can keep it up, will be my way of sharing with the larger world, whether anyone reads this at all or not, my joyful adventures of fatherhood...and all that entails.